.just words

hopefully, it’s not too late

27Apr08

it’s rather strange how we treasure our book-outs so much, how we look forward to those 48 hours (okay sometimes, maybe not) so much so we would give anything to have more of it. our instructors will ask: “so how was your bookout?” and we tend to reply, “not long enough!”

i guess there are certain things in life that we treasure so much that they give us a psychological sense of security and comfort merely to be within reach of them, and here i’m talking about family, and home. every week i return, not to sleep in air con, not to the computer, or even the oven for that matter, but just to feel SAFE walking around in the house. the tension that accompanies every minute of the army life seems to disappear the moment i reach home, for two days every week, we enjoy these liberties, to freedom.it seems as though things suddenly become better, and in the two days that you have been looking forward to for the entire week, you would feel happy as a lark, and free to do all you want.

after many weeks of bookinbookout cycles, i gotta say that this does not seem to hold true for me anymore. the things that you’ve been looking forward to do for so long can only occupy you for a while. there’s only so much time you need to bake, to run, to eat, and to meet up with friends — what do you do with the rest? its almost as if 5 days of hardship (well not THAT MUCH for me i guess) are negated by 2 days of unbridled fun and you want to do ALL you can to fully! enjoy every single minute of these 48 hours.

during these 2 days i avoid any talk or any mention of things that matter at the current moment, like God, or things that kind of matter, like my university applications, and instead fill up my time with things to do over the weekend. the other 5 days conveniently lets me put these thoughts aside, and well, i thought i would be fine. i guess this week, i’ve run out of meaningful things to do, and they haunt me incessantly every single minute of this perceived freedom i have.

i’ve got to stop living this double life, in and out of camp, away from and surrounded by societal “noise” and clutter. i need to integrate my views, my attitudes towards time, towards life into one, one that i can live by every single day of the week, and not just 2 days or 5 days each week. and hopefully it’s not too late, to find something, someone that has been waiting all this while for me.

God.

because he’s the only one who can offer me security, comfort and freedom, every day of my life.

i just realised that this post is incoherent. writing it has helped me sort out some thoughts in my head, so i’m just gonna leave it here. too bad, reader, and many apologies.